On The Brink of Collapse
by TheRoyalAddict
Summary: ITV The Royal. Gordon's fight to recover after his accident and how Jill copes with it
1. Chapter 1

Just weeks earlier Gordon had been involved in a serious car crash, nearly costing him his life and now he was struggling to recover.

Gordon had been sat in the living room for hours, just staring into space. He'd be acting the same for weeks; his bubbly, caring personality had been hidden behind a moody, depressive middle aged man.

The children had long gone to bed and Jill had since been avoiding Gordon for as long as possible, not knowing what to say to him or how to behave. Usually he was loving towards her but since the accident he'd been frosty, she was unsure how to treat him. She walked slowly and hesitantly into the living room, pausing at the door briefly to observe her husband and then entered the room.

'Do you want a slice of cake that Tom and Katie made earlier?' Asked Jill, to which no reply was given. 'Gordon? Did you hear me?'

'What? Sorry?' Gordon asked quietly, not looking directly at Jill; still gazing into thin air.

'Forget it' Jill answered abruptly as she walked out of the room. She stopped in the hall, leant against the radiator and stared at the floor. She didn't know what to do or how to help Gordon, so she decided it was best to have it out with him. Jill pulled herself together and marched into the living room

'Gordon, we need to talk!' Demanded Jill

'Talk? Talk about what?' Mumbled Gordon

'You! You've not been yourself since the accident. I know it must be hard after what happened but we nee-...'

'There's nothing wrong with me. This isn't the time or the place!' Gordon shouted as he stood up gingerly and walked out the room, not even stopping to look at Jill.

Jill stared after him, startled by his reaction but also angry. He wouldn't acknowledge there was a problem and it was starting to effect not just his own judgements but also their family life. 'So when is the time or the place, hey?' she muttered under her breath.


	2. Chapter 2

'Dad have you seen my school cap? Dad?!' Shouted Tom, for the second time

'Err, no I haven't' Gordon forced himself to reply.

'Tom it's here, you left it on the table last night' Jill said as she walked into the kitchen and gave Tom his cap 'But it upstairs tonight when you get home, that way you won't lose it, will you?'

Tom walked out of the living room, smartly dressed in his expensive school uniform and headed for the living room. He was swiftly followed by Jill, who refused to stay in the same room as Gordon, for fear she would say something she'd later regret. Jill had a lot on her mind; not only Gordon, work and the children but something deeper. It was something that she was confused about and something Gordon's behaviour wasn't helping. Why couldn't he just pull himself together? Why couldn't he just be Gordon?


	3. Chapter 3

After carrying out a difficult emergency caesarean, not helped by Gordon's extremely late arrival, Jill lost it.

'I'm sorry' Muttered Gordon, apologising for his late arrival after seeing Jill get upset at the thought of losing the mother and baby.

'Yeah, you damn well should be Gordon' Jill replied, stunning Gordon. She looked directly at Gordon, tears forming in her eyes. 'No I really mean it. You have been impossible to live with these last 2 months. You're angry, you're self obsessed, you're even letting it start to affect your work and you still won't admit there's anything wrong!'

'This really isn't the time or the place' Gordon snapped

'It never is' Jill walked off, angry and upset with Gordon's response but also disappointed that it had come to this; arguing at work.

_Later on_

Along with a medication bottle that Frankie had just given her for Gordon, Jill barged her way into his consulting room

'From Frankie'

'Right' replied Gordon, knowing that he'd been rumbled.

To which Jill questioned him 'What else are you taking?'

'Nothing'

'Well you are. You must be taking sleeping tablets as well. That's what happened earlier, you took some nitrazepam by accident and fell asleep'

'I apologise for that'

'Are you self prescribing?'

'Nope...look we've both had a hell of a day; this really isn't the right time...'

Tears ran down her face as she fought against her emotions. 'Gordon, you're doing it again! You're not listening to me. The fact of the matter is, you have been miserable and self-pitying since this car accident; you take no notice of me, you take no notice of the children, you take no notice of the patients for all I know!'

'That's not true... Look you're tired, you're exaggerating'

'YES AND I'M PREGNANT AS WELL. 'Revealed Jill as she swung around to face Gordon. 'That's why I've been sick every single morning this week. So if everything's so okay with you, how come you didn't notice, hey?... I'm going home!' And with that she ran out the room.

'Jill. JILL WAIT!' to which Gordon ran after his wife. The usually strong woman that was his wife had left his office crying. How hadn't he noticed that his wife was pregnant? She was right; he'd been too absorbed in his own problems to care about anybody else. He hadn't been there for her when she'd needed him most. For that he was truly angry with himself.

_In their garden later that evening_

'Jill, I'm sorry' Gordon pleaded for her forgiveness

'Where have you been Gordon?' Questioned Jill

'I had to do my last ward round' He replied. 'The baby, that's wonderful news.'

'Is it?'

'Yes, yes it is' Said Gordon as he sat down opposite her. 'Everything you said about me; how badly I let you down, how impossible I've been, it's all true. I know it and I hate myself for it but I promise you I'm going to change. You have to believe me.'

'How can I believe you Gordon when you won't even tell me what's the matter with you, hey?'

'After the car crash... I thought I could cope. I knew I had to for you, for the children, for everyone, but I couldn't. I have flashbacks, I see... I don't sleep and some mornings I'm even too scared to leave the house. I need help Jill and I'll get it, but most of all I just need you' Gordon explained as Jill watched his facial expressions, finding it hard to take in what she was hearing.

'And I need you too, more than ever now. I can help you but you have to talk to me Gordon, you have to trust me.'

'I do. I love you, that's one thing you can be absolutely certain of' Reassured Gordon, making the first move to gain her trust again.

Gordon stood up and walked away to where Jill was sat. He kissed her cheek and then wrapped his arms around her shoulders, encasing her against him. It was his way of showing Jill that he'd meant what he said.


	4. Chapter 4

_Early on in Gordon's recovery_

It was hard, not just for Gordon but Jill as well. Over the course of the two months following his car accident Gordon had been dependent on drugs to get through each day and coming off them proved to be difficult. As his wife, Jill took the full force of his frustration and withdrawal symptoms

'Just stop it Jill. Just get out of my sight! I can't deal with you right now' Gordon responded after Jill had asked him to help her in the garden. Controlling his emotions had become difficult. He felt angry, anxious, and shaky but most of all scared.

'Gordon, I won't for one minute pretend I know what you're going through but you've got to help me Gordon. We will get through this you know' Jill tried to reassure him and put him at ease.

'No you don't understand, and you know what neither do I! I should be out their enjoying the sunshine with my children but instead I'm in here hiding away from the world. I don't want to talk about it. Just leave me alone, please!'

Jill stared at her husband in despair, wanting to hold him and make everything better. Instead she turned and walked out the room knowing it was no good trying to talk to him when he was like that.

_On another occasion_

'DAD, come and play outside with me and Katie. Come on dad, we've got the football out and everything'

'No Tom. You go and play with Katie, I'm staying indoors today'

'Come on Dad, Please?'

'I SAID NO! YOU EITHER GO OUTSIDE OR GO TO YOUR BEDROOM. YOU'RE CHOICE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!' Gordon lost his temper with his young son, something he'd never done before. Tom's eyes water and he ran off. Several minutes later Jill came to find Gordon after comforting Tom.

'You can take it out on me, you can say whatever you like to me but don't you EVER take it out on the children! Do you understand me? Maybe if you'd spoken to me sooner instead of bottling everything up then YOU wouldn't be in this mess now.' Dictated Jill, angry with Gordon for upsetting Tom.

_Further on in the recovery_

'Yes, well people get so fixed on their own way of looking at a problem they stop actually seeing it. Just dig a hole for yourself, deeper and deeper so you don't have to look up and see the way things really are' Explained Gordon as they walked through the hospital corridors discussing a patient they were both treating

'This is Jean and Michael we're talking about?' Jill added curiously

'Er, well yes I suppose it does apply elsewhere. Nobody's perfect, even me.'

After weeks of suffering and battling with how he felt; and after help and reassurance from Jill, Gordon had finally been able to admit what had happened. He'd hidden himself away after the accident unable to face what had happened and as a result he'd become reliant on tablets to help him 'cope' with his depression. It was the break through Jill had been hoping for, she was proud of him.

That evening once they arrived home and Tom and Katie were in bed the old Gordon came back.

'You know I'm proud of you Gordon. And I know it's been hard for you but we're coming through the other side now, aren't we?'

Gordon looked at her intensely, searching her eyes to see what she was getting at

'I couldn't have done it without you though Jill. I wouldn't have blamed you if you'd of walked away from me after the way I've treated you these past few months. And I wasn't there when you needed me most and for that I am truly sorry. But you've looked after me and now it's my turn to look after you... to look after you both' He sat next to Jill on the sofa and kissed her cheek. She nestled into him and he held her close. It felt like old times, times before the accident.

'I do love you Gordon' she whispered

'And I love you, more than you'll ever know'

The flash backs became less regular and his reliance on drugs was hugely decreased. There were still days when he had trouble facing the world and wanted to hide away but with help and support from Jill he picked himself up, dusted himself down and carried on. He came to realise he was lucky to be alive and had a lot to live for; his wife, his family, his job but most of all the impending arrival of baby Ormerod. No matter how much he needed Jill, she needed him more; much more.


	5. Chapter 5

_Several months down the line_

Jill was a comfortable way into the pregnancy and coping well with the demands of her family, work and her ever growing body. And as Gordon had promised, he was right by her side every step of the way. He'd overcome his demons following the car crash and had now reverted back to the happy, middle aged family man he'd previously been. This was much to Jill's delight. Gordon was now the old romantic he used to be, buying Jill flowers, dealing with the children when she was tired, holding her at the end of a busy day.

He'd managed to put the crash behind him and focus on the future but when he was, on the odd occasion, feeling down he spoke openly to Jill about it. There were no secrets and they'd manage to re-build the trust and relationship they'd always had before. The two of them, as well as Tom & Katie, we're excited about nearing birth of their child; it had to be said Gordon was like a child the night before Christmas.

Jill and Gordon were in the kitchen together one evening working together to cook a meal for their family.

'How about Herbert?' Joked Gordon

'I hope you didn't just suggest we call our child, if it's a boy, Herbert!' Exclaimed Jill as she slapped his arm lightly with the tea towel

'What's wrong with Herbert? It's a good strong name'

'Yeah, and he'd get mocked for the rest of his life. Herbert Ormerod; I don't think so Gordon'

'Have you thought of any?'

Jill paused for a moment 'I thought you liked the name Jonathon?' She asked

'I do. Jonathon Ormerod has a certain ring to it. Jonathon Ormerod when he's naughty, Johnny to his mates and Jonathon when he's older'

'You're right, it does have a sparkle to it. But you're forgetting one thing'

'Ah what's that ?'

'We can't call a girl Jonathon!' Jill replied sarcastically

'Hmmmm'

And so Gordon spent most of his time shooting baby names at Jill, hoping for a positive response. Most of them she detested, making the process even funnier. Gordon had always hoped he'd have more than two children and that dream was now coming true, it was also the main reason he'd made any effort to recover. The future Jonathon Ormerod had in a way, saved his father.


	6. Chapter 6

_Gordon's thoughts that he'd written down shortly after the accident and after admitting everything to Jill in the garden_

Jill was home alone, something which was extremely rare. She'd taken the morning off; Gordon had literally insisted, especially as he had put it 'in her condition.' He himself was at work, Tom and Katie at school and Jonathon out at the park with his au pair. Although Jill was meant to be resting before heading to work in the afternoon she'd decided to use the time wisely and do some housework, it was a less chaotic task without the children around.

Jill carried several of Gordon's clean clothing items upstairs and went about hanging his work shirts in his side of the wardrobe. He'd always stuck to plain colours; blue and white which were then matched with neat ties. It was something Jill loved about him; he knew how to dress smartly for his line of work but then when at home he knew how to do casual, important with two young children.

She went to put a stray pair of socks in his bedside drawers along with all his others. As she went to shut the draw a piece of paper got jammed at the back. Without thinking about it she took it out and opened the folded paper up. Perching on the edge of Gordon's side of the bed Jill began to read it.

'_I was sceptical about doing this but it's either that or I keep everything hauled up inside and I know I can't do that anymore. Jill's pregnant, it's great news; in fact it's the best news I've had in ages, if only I didn't feel like this. I've let my wife down, I've let my children down, I've let everybody down. It was only a car crash; I survived so why am I acting like a fool? For goodness sakes, I'm a middle aged man with everything to live for; a beautiful wife and fantastic children. But I've made a promise that I'm going to get help; Jill needs me more than ever now. I can't remember when it all started but I had flash backs and couldn't face the world. And looking back now I treated everybody with disrespect, I snapped at Jill when she was only trying to help. I felt I was suffocating and only now that I've admitted to it do I feel I can move forwards._

_I'll move forwards and treasure every moment with my family. I owe so much to Jill, she's my soul mate and without her I'd be nothing. I'll be the father I used to be to Tom and Katie, and the new baby. But there's one thing for certain, I love Jill and I hope she knows it.'_

Tears rolled down Jill's cheeks; some of relief and sadness. Only know was she able to fully understand how Gordon had felt, she wished she'd have been more patient with him. Jill folded the paper back up and placed it back where it came from, hiding the fact that she'd read it. She guessed it must have been Gordon's way of moving forwards and mentioning that she'd read it would have no use now.

'Your dad's a good man, the best in fact. He'll be the best dad you could wish for. We're very lucky me and you... and Tom & Katie for that matter. Just you wait and see.' Jill spoke to her unborn baby, something she didn't do very often.


	7. Chapter 7

_Carrying on from the previous chapter. And so to conclude this fanfic. _

_The latest letter Gordon wrote to himself finalising his feelings and overcoming the obstacles that threatened to ruin him._

Jill sat in their bedroom, the door shut, and opened up yet another sheet of paper she'd found tucked away in Gordon's drawers. She felt as if she was betraying him, reading his private things, but at the same time it gave her an insight into how he was feeling

'_It's been well over six months since the car accident and I'm feeling better than ever. After fantastic support from Jill and the love of my children I'm definitely over the worse. It was stupid of me to ever feel like that and to bottle everything up was even stupider. According to Jill I'm the happy, romantic, funny middle aged man I was a year ago, that was the best thing anybody's ever told me. To know I'm once again the man that Jill fell in love with is the best feeling in the world. And I've kept to my promise, I'm looking after Jill like she's looked after me. She's well into the pregnancy now and handling it well. Considering she was nervous about the baby to start off with, she's doing brilliantly. I'm ecstatic at being a dad again and I know Tom and Katie feel the same way. We, all three of us, love Jill. We're so lucky to have her in our lives. It's time to concentrate on the amazing future that lies ahead. Even though you'll never read this, this is to you Jill Weatherill (Mrs Ormerod);the only woman for me. Gordon Ormerod.'_

And that concluded everything for Jill. He'd come through the other side and for that she had the utmost respect for him. She placed the paper back in the drawer and whispered 'And I love you Gordon Ormerod.'


End file.
